Originally published August 2023 on the Modern Love “Love & Relationships” Blog
by Lauren Aldridge

Ah, breakups. The stuff of countless poems, songs, and books (and now this blog post). Pain of the heart is a universal human condition. It is one of the many inevitabilities of life- so why does it feel so uniquely isolating when you yourself are navigating it?

This isolation is the crux of many mental health issues. We recognize that we all struggle at times, but often we struggle alone. It is a well-known fact that divorce rates in Western countries sit at around 50% (Forbes, 2023). So it stands to reason that most, if not all of us will navigate a breakup at some point in our lives. To separate from a person you care deeply for is no small thing. It brings up many conflicting emotions and can feel at times like you’re being tossed around on the deck of a ship in a storm scrambling for solid footing. Breakups split us open- they are raw, and a unique kind of grief.

How often do we wonder about the personal lives of those we work with, especially in a field where the entire content of the “work” is deeply personal, yet one-sided? Therapy is a unique relationship in this regard. I only spend but a handful of hours with my clients. Yet I know intimate details about their lives. I know their hobbies, the names of their pets, and how they take their coffee. I know their hopes, and their greatest disappointments.

So, what separates the therapeutic relationship from an intimate one? Reciprocity.

My clients do not know about the parking ticket I got last week, or the flowers I saw on my run this morning. People come to therapy to get help with their own lives, not be dumped all over by their therapist! Such behavior would be unethical and unfair. My job is to help folks navigate their problems, not mine. But doing emotional work while going through personal challenges is tough.

I have sat with intimate relationships while mine has been slowly slipping away for some time. Seeing couples fight so hard for something I felt I did not have exacerbated my frustration and loneliness at times. It was a very strange duality to help couples connect and grow in my professional life while feeling disconnected from these concepts on a personal level. On harder days, it was confusing and felt hollow- I would leave work feeling like an imposter. Who was I to help folks navigate their intimate relationships, talking ad nauseum about healing and connection, when I could not crack the code of my own partnership this go around? It was like being on the other side of a thinly veiled curtain I could not glimpse behind.

As I reflect, I understand these feelings as part of my challenge in separating “Lauren the therapist” from “Lauren the human”. Navigating this breakup has been challenging in the sense that Lauren the therapist is analyzing and exploring and trying to make sense, while Lauren the human has simply been riding the waves and trying to cope. When feelings of disappointment in myself for not “living my example” come up, I feel pressure to compartmentalize these two identities. Keep them separate. In reality, it is very difficult (and futile) to distinguish where these identities blur or separate. I have come to the realization that I am living exactly what I challenge my own clients to do. I am going inward and being honest with myself. The end of my relationship does not undermine my ability to be an effective therapist. And choosing to do the thing that may be hard- excruciating, even- for the sake of honoring my deepest authenticity, is living the example I aim to set for my clients. To quote author Gregory David Roberts, “The truth is sometimes a bully we all pretend to like”. Truth- real, deep, authentic truth- has power. It transforms. It heals. And it is much stronger than fear.

When we let others bear witness to us- all of us- it is powerful. This is why therapy can be so transformative- for another person to sit with you, raw and unfolding, and say “I see you and I honor you” is everything. Our brains like it. Our bodies like it. It is what we are designed for. But here’s the kicker- you must let people see it. Vulnerability is one of the greatest challenges many of us will face. It is so scary, and yet holds the key for so much. This essay is my attempt at embracing such vulnerability.

In the spirit of truth, some days it has been hard to choose to “show up” with my clients during this chapter. I have felt tired, and sometimes fearful I would not have the room or ability to hold space for people. But showing up anyway and interacting with these energetic connections in all their rawness has been, in fact, the most healing part of this process. Witnessing genuine connection from folks who lay it all out on the line for the sake of healing. Loving each other, and most importantly loving themselves through it. They know that it is hard, and gut-wrenching at times, and show up anyway. Because within the deep and at times murky waters of ourselves, there is something more beautiful and powerful than words- it goes beyond most “left brain” conceptualizations of the human experience. It is a sort of primal understanding. It is not the absence of sadness, or pain, or stress, but in fact embracing the very things we have been taught to shove down and put away. Things that are uncomfortable or even scary. Meeting ourselves in all capacities, as loving beings who all deeply crave the same thing at the end of the day- connection and acceptance.

So, what should clients understand about their therapists? In essence, that we are walking the same path that they are. There are roadblocks, and hurdles, and sometimes mountains to climb. There are moments of pure joy and deep sadness. And that witnessing your healing inspires us to do the same. I have the honor to be moved, inspired, and challenged by my work on a daily basis. Nietzsche said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”. To use our pain for connection, rather than isolation- that is the collective challenge of being a human. It is imperfect, and it is real. I learn from life every single day- which is too good an opportunity to miss.

The only way to get there is through.

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